Many moons ago, before Little Man was born, I signed up for toucanBox. To those who haven’t heard of it, it is a monthly subscription box, aimed at children and their hapless unimaginative parents, which provides all the supplies for themed projects. I’m a sucker for a subscription box and I snapped it up, thinking that it sounded perfect for Wee Girl.
Well, it wasn’t. I should stress that I think the toucanBox service is fantastic; the boxes, which were lovely, delightfully packaged, with good quality supplies. Unfortunately, despite being aimed at children 3-8, the projects usually required a level of communication and engagement that she hasn’t quite reached, so reluctantly I cancelled my subscription. If they produced a simpler box, I would snap it up, because if it worked it would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
My lack of crafty imagination, general laziness, and the heart-sinking dread of knowing you’re going to have to clean up afterwards, all combine to make the thought of doing craft with my child about as appealing as a snot smoothie.
So with that in mind, this marks the start of what will hopefully be a series of crafty posts with the total incompetant in mind. The projects will be simple, using limited supplies, and should hopefully cause a minimum of mess. And if nothing else, you can all marvel at how astonishingly crap at craft I am. Hooray.
Project: Venetian Masks
You will need:
- Paper plates (or card. Whatever you have. Paper plates are handy, because they are already shaped like faces. Sort of)
- Colouring pens or pencils
- Some means for getting glue onto paper. Those little stick things. Or whatever
- Stuff for sticking (I used tissue paper, torn into pieces. Use what you have)
- Glitter for sprinkling (Because no matter how crap your creation is, there’s nothing that can’t be improved with glitter)
- Some straws, or string, or something sticklike
1. Before you begin, cut the paper plates or card into the shape of a face. Or just cut out eyeholes. Get everything set up, including everything you hope to be sticking into one place.
2. Attract the attention of your child. Bribe them if necessary.
3. Start by sticking stuff onto the masks. I aimed for a patchwork effect with the scraps, which as you can see from the pictures looks utterly shit. That’s entirely deliberate, as you’ll be able to feel much less guilty about throwing it away.
4. Gently guide your distracted child back to the table. More sticking.
5. Oh, wait, you need the potty. Really? Now? Oh great, it’s a shit. Yes, well done. What a lovely shit! Down the toilet it goes. Flush. Wash hands. Okay, back to the…
7. Seriously? A wee as well? Oh, for the love of… What a lovely wee! Flush. Wash hands. Right, back to the table. More sticking. More sticking. More… Wait, where are you going now? The swing? Really? But we’re supposed to be doing craft. Kirstie Allsopp said so.
8. Carry on doing it yourself in an attempt to model crafting behaviour to your child. Get into it for a bit. Add little patches of glitter to the mask. Don’t go mad. Remember you’re not five years old.
9. Realise your child is still showing no interest. Attempt to lure them back to the table with chocolate. That works for a bit until all the chocolate has been eaten.
10. When you’re finally ready to admit defeat and pour yourself a glass of wine, stick the straw to the back of your mask with a strip of sellotape. And you’re done.